My junior year in high school I developed warts on my hands. They were not subtle and they did not go away. There was always three or four of them at any given point in time. Being 17 years old with these things all over both of my hands was not a great experience.
Of course I tried everything. I would shave them down with a razor, which I did several times a week. I tried multiple medications. I had them frozen off but they always re-appeared. Through college and medical school it was ongoing battle. They gradually seemed to get larger and more numerous regardless of my efforts. I became more self-conscious of them as I progressed through my medical training. I felt very awkward examining patients with what felt like were pretty disfigured hands. Of course no one noticed them nearly as much as I did.
My first year of orthopedic training was stressful. I had done two years of internal medicine instead of the usual two years of general surgery. I was thrown right into the fire trying to catch up with the other residents. I honestly don’t know if stress was the issue but my hands were worse with four or five large warts. I went to a skin specialist who used liquid nitrogen to burn them off. Not only was the initial burning very painful it continued burn for a couple weeks. It felt like an underground fire. I could not sleep well with the pain and I was getting frustrated. A friend gave me the name an older dermatologist who supposedly had experienced success with difficult skin problems.
My Elderly Dermatologist
He was nice and very old. He looked at me and said that he did not think that there was much that could be done. He suggested that I rub some fresh Aloe vera plant over them and that might help. I looked at him in disbelief and was now pretty despondent about ever getting rid of these things. As he handed me a couple of Aloe vera stems he proceeded to say that, “I don’t really think it works. It is just probably some type of placebo effect.” At that point I become really upset. Even if the placebo effect was possible it seemed like he was even taking that option from me.
“I am Done’
I remember standing there and I could feel a deep shift inside of me. I recalled the recent suffering I had experienced after the last attempt of burning them off. The shift was intense. I could almost feel the burning. I was done with this situation and just wasn’t going to put up with it anymore. My whole being said, “no.”
I think I rubbed the Aloe vera stems over my hands a couple of times and threw them away. Two weeks later the warts completely disappeared and six weeks later my skin looked as if they were never there. I have never experienced another wart in over 30 years. Clearly some type of immune response occurred. I don’t know what precipitated the healing but I could feel it and still can recall almost exactly what it felt like.
“I Am Done” again
The only other time I experienced that feeling was in 2002 after being in a severe burnout over seven years. My Victimhood I realized that the worst part of being depressed was feeling sorry for myself that I was depressed. I became aware for the first that I was actually in a victim mode. I realized that there was no answer to my burnout. I experienced a similar deep feeling of mixed desperation and determination that I was no longer going to live this way. I was simply done with all of this. Within the next six months my real healing began. Many of my physical symptoms I had suffered with since childhood disappeared and over the next five years essentially all of them resolved. My Battle with Neurophysiological Disorder (NPD)
I wish I could give you a formula to re-create the phenomenon at will. In both instances there was a deep sense of resolve that I was finished living in this manner and I said “no”. What I can’t figure out is why that feeling suddenly went so deep and was so strong. It was well beyond just willpower.
Each one of us has the power within us to heal ourselves. You are the only one with the key to unlock and unleash that potential.